33

He turned 33 today. He is getting old and I think I love him more because of it. Growing old with someone that you knew at a younger age is a beautiful thing. I get to realize the changes. The security, the maturing. He is everything I could want, he really is. He isn't perfect but he is perfect for me. As we drove away from Lowe's today (it is his birthday and he said he wanted to go to his favorite store...) I saw an elderly couple with a rough gait, wrinkles, gray hair all the marks of "old" and I said, "that is us in another 40 years" and he said, "I can't wait". Tomorrow he will be 33 and a day, I will love him more.

My little girls are growing up

This post is long overdue in being written, and there are a few more that are needing to be documented too, but I can spare a moment to do it now and that is the story of life.

The girls have asked sporadically from time to time if they could have their ears pierced. We stayed pretty firm on the "wait until you are older" routine. I was 13 before my mom pierced my ears, at home, with an ice cube as a numbing agent and my dad holding my hand telling me I was bleeding like a stuck hog. During Christmas break 2010 we were riding along in the van after doing some errands in Little Rock and Lucie brought up the fact that she would really like her ears pierced. She must have caught us on a good day because Jim and I looked at each other and said, "OK, if you are ready for this we are okay with it too" I explained she would need to use some of the money she got for Christmas to pay for it and that it would probably hurt. She was still game. So we stopped at the mall...I hate the mall...and went to Clarie's. She had to wait in line as an older lady was having a second hole put in her ears. It was good though because she got to watch it be done and the lady was especially nice to tell Lucie how it felt and encourage her. Lucie climbed up in the chair and I held her hand. Jim had the camera and the other two kids. The girl who did the piercing asked if we wanted to have another girl come over and do both ears at once. Lucie said No, one at a time. She was a trooper. She flinched a little bit when the gun clamped but I squeezed her hand and she did so well. When the girl went to the other side Lucie started pulling her head away but I placed my hand on her head to steady her and it went on without incident. She was smiling the biggest smile when they let her look in the mirror. She had chosen a multi colored crystal daisy as they would match all her outfits. After we were done and paid and she listened to the cleaning and care instructions we went to get ice cream as I had a free coupon at ChickFila for each of them. All in all it went really well. Since then she has done a great job of keeping them clean and taking care of them.

Oh Emma. She is another story. At first when Lucie expressed she wanted to have her ears pierced Emma said "No way, not until I am 8!" I liked this idea as it means only one child to keep up with at a time. Plus, Emma does not and has never liked having anyone or anything touch her ears. It is getting better as she ages but still cannot stand for me to clean or touch her ears. So I wasn't too sure how she would react to having a gun put next to her ear and how she would deal with the resulting pain. Everything seemed to be going well as Lucie went about having her ears done. I will admit I was very focused on Lucie at that point and not aware that Jim was dealing with a meltdown. So where in there while we waited for Lucie's turn Emma decided she needed to have hers done too. Our standard is not to make switch decisions with our kids especially when something has been previously agreed upon. So Jim was standing firm that she was not getting her ears done that day. Once I was aware of the situation I agreed with him too. So when we went and had ice cream after Lucie's ears were done we had two happy kids and one in full meltdown. I talked Emma down and we discussed that if she still wanted to have her ears pierced in 6 weeks, on love day, I would take her. That was okay with Emma. Time passed and the end of January brought Oscar's birthday and a visit from Grandpa and Grandma. Lucie was doing so well at this point with her earrings that I thought maybe we should go have Emma's done a little earlier than planned and have it made extra special with the presence of Grandma there too. When I told my mom about it she was game. Emma was extra excited even though we were not waiting until love day. We went to the same place. This time I told the girl we needed to do both at the same time. I sat in the chair and held Emma in my lap to have a more secure hold on her (she really doesn't react well to pain) and Grandma held her hands. Jim once again had the camera and Grandpa was in charge of the other two. Emma's face says it all. Instead of smiles it was tears and a yelp of pain. She pushed her body backwards when she felt the posts go in. Even when they showed her the earrings in her ears she had tears streaming down her face. Luckily she had a large supportive group of people who love her and kept telling her how beautiful she looked. She had chosen purple crystal daisy earrings because purple is her favorite color! We went to celebrate with ice cream minus the coupons. I think in the long run Oscar thought this was a pretty good deal. He didn't have any pain and got to have ice cream twice!

Wait wait...

Emma-ism 

Emma has taken to saying wait wait... She does this usually with a hand motion or the index finger up and wagging. At times we find this highly annoying and react with the typical parent montage of "No, you ..." However, being us we usually react by mimicking her. Jim and I have even been known to say it to each other when the kids are no where around!

So the conversation might go like this:

Jim: Go brush your teeth and then we will go to the park. Grab a jacket.....(continue with instructions)

Movement, pause, turn, finger raised, interruption....
Emma: Wait wait...pause The track park, or a different park. Let's go to the track park!

Jim:  Wait wait....Yes the track park.

At this point I don't think she thinks it is odd to say wait wait all the time. I don't think it is a tic that we should worry about. She has said or used other expressions in the past and they typically phase out as she continues to grow. Lucie likewise did things like this, expressive one or two word statements that would have us laughing or smiling because it was too cute. We just don't want to forget about it so I had to write it down.

A little Crazy Today

I feel the urge to write today but I have very scattered thoughts. I am find myself bouncing from one job to the next with a sort of purpose but easily derailed. My train of thought is also on crisscrossing tracks and I sometimes pause to chuckle at my own oddness. Oddly, (or not so much given what I do with my time) I have photos to accompany my thoughts.

My big plan for the day was to mop. My floors were messy messy messy and it was long overdue. My neighbor/friend stopped by and said, "don't you have two more months to get that done?" Ha ha. I get it. But no, it must be done today. So eventually, much later than intended, I mopped the downstairs. The upstairs is sadly still waiting for a turn. Maybe later today, or tomorrow, or the next day... The photo is relevant because after I mopped I could lay down the new throw rugs and they were met with approval from the cat!

I also have had the need/urge/need to lumen print. I specifically have been craving to pluck a certain type of lilly I have watched bloom all over the air base. I just couldn't muster the courage to go pick them though from government property. So on the way home from school I stopped at Lowes and thankfully they were on sale and I was able to buy them. So now I can pick them guilt free and plant them to have more blooms grow for my enjoyment and possibly more lumens. I couldn't resist picking up a few other specimens in the garden center. Not only are they beautiful they just made me happy!

My creative bug was peaked as I puttered around outside and felt my blood sugar drop. Once I ate my lunch and felt better it was back outside to capture the image that held my faltering mind. I love the cans waiting in line, ever ready to be used. I also digressed to the fact that they are the colors of a stoplight and in the right order.  This was not a staged photograph, it was just there.

Lastly, this is were I get really funny, my gardenias are blooming! I know how exciting is that?!? Well, for me it was a warm happy feeling to see the little white, intoxicating wonderful smelling blossoms. I found my brain coming up with an academy award winning speech of sorts, "...oh my gosh! oh my gosh! Let me thank the rain for all your encouragement, the ground; I couldn't have done it without your support, and of course the sun!..." Yes, this is where you can doubt my sanity.

Happy Mother's Day!

The kids randomly keep saying, its your day!

This morning they let me sleep in until 8:45 when Emma woke me up with a tray of food and declared she had made me breakfast. My pump was alarming (blood sugar dropping, also explaining how I was able to sleep in) so I slowly woke up and awkwardly reached for "breakfast", it was a banana, apple, and string cheese. Next Lucie joined us and heard my pump. She handed me the skittles on my table. I thanked her for listening to my pump and I ate a few of those. Then she took my apple and went downstairs and ate it. I laid there in bed for a bit and then Emma was back with a coffee cup. She said, "coffee is really hard to make!" In a panic I interrupted her and said, "EMMA! Do not make coffee, mommy can do that!!". Emma then continued with, "so I made you this". Now I take the cup and look inside, oh milk! Great! I say thank you and take a drink, NOT milk! Coffee creamer. Yummy! 

I decided it was time to go downstairs and make their breakfast and that pot of coffee that eluded Emma. Happy Mother's day 2010, it is already priceless. 

Things they say...

My children talk and talk and talk. They all have a speech issue, but none of them have the same problem with their speech. So for a long time I have been a translator, listener, and sometimes, confounded. They talk so much that at a parent/teacher conference one teacher was commenting on my son's need to learn there is a time and a place for talking and I said yes, I know...they all need that. She looked at me and said, "they all talk as much as he does?" and after confirming that affirmative, she looked at me and said, "I am sorry." I chuckled. The noise has become a fact of life. I realize that everyone does not have the same issue. There are days when I wish it was just quiet in my house, my van, my sleep...ha ha! So, I am going to post some of the things that have escaped their lips that caused me to stop and focus in and enjoy them and their stories.

Lucie to me: "Mom, you are so beautiful"
Me: "Ah, thank you Lucie"
Lucie: "you are more beautiful when you wear a dress!"

Oscar to me: "Mommy...(tears in his eyes, sniffling), I do not want you to die!"
Me: "I am not going to die today, I promise"
Oscar: "I will still love you when you die"
Me: "I will love you forever too"
(I have this conversation on a fairly regular basis with him, sometimes it is about his dad, we are not sure why he is fixated on our deaths but we have told him that everyone dies someday)

Emma to Lucie: "you be the mommy ostrich and call your baby like this...(high pitched, odd tones ensue)
Lucie mimics the noise.
Emma says "No! Like this....(more tonal range in a higher scale)
Lucie: "Emma. My voice is not like yours."

Emma: "When I get big I will live next to you and Daddy"
Me: "Okay! You can buy the house next door!"
Lucie: "I am going to live in Arkansas when I am big"
Me: "Ok, but there are lots of other great places to live too"
Oscar: "I don't know where I will live when I am big....(panic spreads on his face)...I will live with you forever Mommy"
Me: "Ok, you can live with me" (he is 7, I am fairly confident this will change as he ages)

Emma: (in the van) "Mom, go faster! That car just passed us"
Me: "Emma. I am going the speed limit"
Lucie: "That car must have a faster peed limit"
Me: "No. That car is going over the speed limit, it is breaking the law" (empathise the S in speed)
Emma: "Oh Oh!"

Me: "Do you know what I want?"
Lucie: "Quiet."
Oscar: "and peace"
Me: "yes"

Who says?

Who says an autistic child won't make eye contact? I used to! Emma is our child that is autistic. She is one of three awesome children we have been blessed with and for the most part I would tell you her autism is more about quirks and oddities than the  more severe cases on the spectrum, she is extremely social and high functioning. I know we are fortunate for this. We recognized early signs and had her evaluated for speech in her 2 year old year as she wasn't saying more than 2 or 3 words. She made eye contact but not terribly often and rarely with a camera. Her early photos are primarily of the top or her head and looking sideways. Still, I was okay with that. If she never made full fledged eye contact with my lens I could deal with that, I am after all a fairly artistic photographer! Still, she started attending a therapy school and made tremendous strides in language, physical skills and social skills. Somewhere in her 3rd year approaching the the age of 4 she decided the camera was her friend. A photographer came to her school and did dress up photos of all the kids. They specifically mentioned Emma and her desire to perform for the camera. Her proofs were all amazing and I ended up just buying all of them. Since that time when she is asked to smile for the camera it typically garners a performance. Usually complete with arm, leg and head movements. I now find it hard to capture the still moments of Emma, (no, look off in the distance. No! Don't go in the distance, just look!) Still, I love those eyes and I love my little performing girl.

It's been awhile...

My has it, nearly two years between postings, that is quite a bit of time. While I don't know if anyone reads this, I see my blog page when I log on to read my friends blogs, so I see my lacking. Jim left yesterday and will be gone until school starts in the fall. I don't know if he will be able to access this site where he is, I have heard the internet is sketchy. Still, I figure if I make myself keep track of the funny, sad, weird, crazy things that are bound to happen while he is gone, he will have a record to read and I will have a way to help me remember. So hopefully I will be motivated and post on a more regular basis. If you by chance are one of my friends or relatives that does check in to this spot you will get to share in our absurdities too! The photo is the most recent of the kids and it was taken at Easter. It was one of multiple shots but really the best one (eyes forward, decent expressions, etc), I labeled it crazy easter and that is pretty much what it was, but it was fun!

Not art...(one person's opinion)

I need to retract my statement that Emma's photo will be displayed in the Art's Center as it will not. The curator for the museum, the person who chose which photos would be displayed, said that it is a portrait, not an artistic print. So that leaves me greatly saddened as I was and still am very proud of the photo. I think it is one of my best pieces to date. It also leaves me with the contemplation of the question of "what is art?". Art, can be and should be many things. I think a portrait can be art, I also think that sometimes it is just a portrait. Many many people in the art world do not view much of any photography as art, they are pictures, not painting, sculptures, metal etc... Today I learned a valuable lesson for the road I am on. Some people see art where others don't and if it is the person in charge of the exhibit you are entering then you are out of luck. I will just continue my pursuit of what I enjoy and next time I will submit a flower! Have a great night :)

Summer #3

Oscar posed much like Emma did. My camera, a Hassleblad 500 c/m, gets amazing detail as shown here in the water droplets on Oscar's arm and body.

Summer #2

As promised this is a shot of Oscar and Lucie the same day I took the one of Emma that I posted earlier. Emma's is going to be displayed in the Arkansas Art's Center, a real museum! I am pretty excited to see it up on a museum wall and take the family there to show them.

Sprinkler fun!

Arkansas is hot and humid! We found some relief one day while Jim watered the lawn. The kids stripped and had a blast running and chasing and getting very very wet. The simple, beautiful joy of being little and hot with a sprinkler! This is a darkroom photo as well.

A moment in time.

I like this print of Lucie, (although I think it looks better in person), because the "vignette" around her makes me think of the print as if I am looking back through time at a moment. In fact, I am. Photos allow us to look at moments in time. This was a picture taken last summer of Lucie. Each print I create in the darkroom is Representative of at least three to four hours, some have taken me longer. I know people who have worked for eight hour stretches on one or two prints. It can take longer. There are steps and each step takes time. Once you see the print you have worked to create it will take you less time to create a second one but it will still take time. So each print is amount of time and I sure hope by the time I am done with it I still like it enough to have invested the time in it.

My art...

Hello to all of you who actually take time to look at my blog! Bless you for taking the time out of your day. This is a print that I definitely consider my art. It is a black and white negative of a daisy. I processed it using a Litho developer rather than the usually D76 that I used for the prints of Emma. It gives the print more grain and can be slightly unpredictable as far as the color tones that will come out from both the developer and the paper used. It is my first Lith print but I plan to do more. I like the effect especially on this type of image. I also used a filed holder for the negative which gives it the sloppy look around the edges rather than crisp straight lines.

Summer #1

This is Emma, again! We let them strip down and run naked through the sprinkler as it has been especially hot and humid here in recent weeks. The kids were delighted that I let them pluck a few elephant ears to play with. I am excited as I have a good shot of each of them with these leaves. I will be able to print a triptych of the kids. I am also very happy with this picture as while I was working in the darkroom with it my teacher complimented me by saying he thinks this is one of the best photos to come out of the darkroom in the past five years. Yes, he said five. He has been printing there for ten so I took it as a huge compliment. I will post the other shots as I finish them too.

Studying Nature

This is a shot of Emma I captured shortly after the rain had stopped at our house. She and Lucie went into the backyard and were playing with the Crape Myrtle trees. They would pull a branch and squeal with delight as the droplets of rain water fell around them. The sun was setting so it is creating a halo effect behind her. It was a fantastic moment to have a long lens and a camera to be an unobtrusive observer to their merriment and wonder. I will post the photo of Lucie when I have it done. These are black and white film photographs that I am learning how to develop myself in a darkroom at the Arts Center here in Little Rock. I am quickly falling in love with the process of creating a print that handcrafted by me. It is an empowering thing to control the photographic process from start to finish. All of the black and white images will have been printed by me in the darkroom unless I tell you they are not!

Not to play favorites.

In the effort to not only put photos of my girls up but also my darling son I found this one and think it is a good representation of Oscar. He is growing up ever so quickly and I find those moments when I pause and think, take this in...he will only be small for awhile. I am the mom who on a rare occasion that it was just he and I at the store will lift him out of the cart and carry him to the car, simply because he is getting bigger and heavier and I know I won't be able to carry him forever. So, I try to find solace in the moments when I see the beautiful baby he was changing into the fantastic boy he is.

Girl's birthday pictures!

Finally, finally right? These are the photos I got of the girls on the birthday. As you can see they wore special crowns and new outfits provided by their Aunt Heather! They are also holding their birthday dolls given to them from their grandpa and grandma. They really really really like them.

Yes, Emma is that much taller than Lucie. She just keeps shooting up and up. Lucie is average height for a 4 year old and Emma is in the higher percentile. They stood back to back all on their own as if I had asked there is no way they would have done it for me! They were also barefooted in the photo.

Overall, albeit a simple birthday they had enough fun to ask for another birthday the next day. I had to inform them it would be one full year before cake and candles would come again. This was received with copious quantities of attitudes and "oh, man!" exclamations!!

Emma's freckles

So Jim and I began to observe that ever so gradually day by day our daughter Emma is growing freckles. It is an ever changing, consistently increasing phenomenon. We absolutely love it!

So again, I am trying this out to see what it looks like and if it is something worth taking the time to do. Will anyone look at it if I tell them I posted new pics or added some comment about our daily life. Maybe, maybe not. This is a picture of a sunflower from our garden. I am so pleased with it as this is a straight camera shot, meaning no photoshop, cropping or post editing. I think it turned out rather nice!